My life

Lurching from one disaster to another...just a suburban princess trying to get by!



Friday, 14 December 2012

Someone's on the naughty list...

After yesterday's seriousness I thought something lighter would be best!

My cats are a big part of our family.

Max, our little boy, has a reputation for naughtiness and trashing everything he can get his paws on.

Lilly on the other hand is generally pretty well behaved...

...except when it comes to the Xmas tree, then all bets are off.

The other day I kept catching her trying to chew of the branches, which would be a spiky, plastickey experience!

I decided to make a short film of it, maybe I will show it at her 18th....

Please excuse the crappy production values, it is my first ever video.  The original had music on it and was brilliant, but YouTube & Facebook blocked it...bastards. So you will just have to sing Santa Claus is coming to town to yourself as you watch it!



Love Jo xxx

Thursday, 13 December 2012

Sobering...

Warning: This post includes video that is graphic and confronting. 
I make no apologies for this but understand if horrifying road safety ads are not for you. 
 
  
I don't drink, I don't do drugs, I don't drive when on new medication, I don't text or use my mobile handset whilst driving.  I don't hoon or speed.
 
But I am human, capable of driving distracted or tired, I try not to but life gets in the way sometimes.
 
Most of us know someone who has been taken too soon as the result of a motor vehicle accident.
 
All of us are horrified by the news of multiple fatalities occurring seemingly more and more often.
 
As a mother I am terrified for my teenage son.  He is a good kid, sensible. So are his mates .  But the parents of those killed or maimed on our roads would say the same.
 
I firmly believe that the following video should be shown to school kids and those applying for drivers licences.
 
I believe that drunk and drugged drivers should be dealt with more harshly.  That people caught on mobiles, speaking or texting should lose their phones, much like hoons lose their vehicle.
 
Emergency services members, whether they be firies, police or ambos, doctors, nurses, care-flight pilots and crews, or any of the multitude of related services need all the help they can get.  They deserve respect
 
As a community we must each play our part to reduce the carnage on our roads.
 
I have shared this video before with some of you in the past but I think it's worth doing it again.
 
Before you watch grab a tissue and make sure the kids are out of earshot.
 
 



Love Jo xxx

Saturday, 3 November 2012

Tonks, but not the HP character...

My son says I am a crazy cat lady...

Growing up I always hated cats, we never had them as kids and I was horribly allergic to those belonging to my friends.  When my son was 8 he wanted a dog, we compromised on a cat and I settled for a life of anti-histamines.  Luckily the breed we chose don't cause me allergies, and 6 months later another kitten from the same family "followed me home".

We have two Tonkinese kitties, a boy and a girl, 7 & 8 years old respectively.

They are indoor cats, always have been.  Max used to try and get outside all the time, many a visitor was yelled at to "shut the door before the cat gets out!"

They are a joy, sometimes the only joy in my day!

The boy, Max, is more dog than cat, instigates games of fetch, welcomes people at the door and sees EVERY lap, whether it is family, a business or repair person, as his to sit in.  Once when we were having the fridge fixed he sat in the sparky's lap the whole time he was fixing the wiring. 

Max is a chewer, tea towels, clothes (sometimes when you are still wearing them), unattended shoe laces, stuffed toys, you name it, he will eat it.


Max enjoying the sun...
Due to a medical condition he must only eat cat biscuits from the vet, which means they both do...expensive!

Max either operates at 100% or zero, he is either talking his head off and running around, or he is sleeping.  Except when you climb the stairs, then her will emerge from seemingly nowhere to race you, up or down, he doesn't care.  He was always definitely my cat, but since my hospital stays earlier this year he now shares himself out between me & my husband.

Our girl, Lilly, is a great big sook.  She is a runner and a hider...unless she perceives a threat to Max, then she will stand and fight.  She really only talks to my son, to her he is everything, she loves him to the point of distraction.

Lilly...shy or sneaky, take your pick!

They fight, oh how they fight.  The screaming and growling, howling and crashing around is phenomenal.  They run around sounding as if they are wearing work boots...it sometimes sounds like there is a person walking around upstairs.

But they also love each other, if they can't immediately find each other they call out in the most mournful way, they clean each other for hours, well Max will give Lilly a couple of licks then settle down and she will clean HIM for hours, they always cuddle when asleep.

Not an evening goes by without them both sitting with me on the lounge watching TV, usually ON me to be honest.

This is their usual daytime position.

They have a LOT of toys, sleeping mats, scratching posts and cat towers, but they still prefer the furniture...one lounge has to always be against a wall due to their scratching...little buggers.

So, yes, I may be a crazy cat lady, but in my opinion there are far worse things to be!

I have joined AbsoluteLeigh's  Furrtastic Blog Hop


 
 
Love Jo xxx





Friday, 2 November 2012

Bugs

I hate bugs.

I understand that they are important for life on earth, I just want them to live somewhere else!

Anyway, for the last few weeks I have been suffering extreme fatigue, muscle and joint pain.

Many GP visits and multiple blood tests later they have diagnosed me as being in the acute stage of Ross River Fever, with viral arthritis.

They tell me that it will resolve itself over time, I just have to put up with it.



So some little fucker bit me, I don't remember it, but some time in the last couple of months one got through the cloud of Aeroguard I usually surround myself in.

Kind of sums up my year really!

Love Jo xxx

Wednesday, 31 October 2012

Staggering...

These days there is a lot of talk about mental illness in our community.  Ads on TV and the print media, endless online mentions, stories in the news and support from famous faces.

Beyond Blue and Mental Health week have recently received a lot of air-time of late.

Today I attended my weekly meditation class and we were discussing the stress response on the human body, more specifically how GP's deal with it.

Everyday people go to their GP and tell them they are stressed, can't sleep, aren't eating...whatever.  Quite often the doctor will just diagnose depression/anxiety and send the patient away with a prescription for a magic pill.  They take the medication for a bit, hopefully the stress resolves itself and they are "cured".

The statistics and costs of mental health issues on our community are both staggering...so is the ignorance.

One woman piped up in the discussion and said, and I shit you not, "I don't believe in anti-depressants."  This broad and ridiculous comment stunned me.  It's a bit like saying "I don't believe in anti-biotics"!  Of course they aren't right for every situation, but when there is medication available to ease a person's suffering, and it sometimes doesn't get much worse than mental illness, why wouldn't you take it?

I myself am on medication, have been for quite a while, more than likely will be for the rest of my life. I don't just rely on medication though, I am learning as much as I can about my illness, reading everything I can get my hands on. I see a psychiatrist, a psychologist, I attend group therapy and am learning meditation, all to help me manage my condition.

And I think that's the key.  All too often medication is prescribed in isolation or to placate someone, when in reality, stress management, education and in some cases therapy combined with appropriate medication make all the difference.

Jo xxx





Thursday, 25 October 2012

Scent of WTF?

I was browsing Pintarest as I often do (it's very addictive isn't it?)

There is simply not enough time, money or quite frankly enough space in any one home for every idea, every craft item to make,or every dish to be cooked.

One thing I did find that you can be assured will not be finding it's way into my home is this candle. 


WTF?

I can't even begin to imagine how they captured the aroma and have absolutely no idea why they would bother...I suspect a prank!

I guess it would go with the baby powder scented ones.

I personally would love to capture the smell of rain on a hot summers day in a candle.

What would you pick?
 
 
Love Jo xxx



Wednesday, 24 October 2012

Respect

My son is 18 years old.  He is well dressed, clean shaven and has short hair. 

At work he is often treated badly by customers, when he is only helping them.

He works nights, usually finishing between 11-12pm and walks the hour it takes to get home as there is no public transport then.

At least once a week he is pulled up by the police.  Sometimes questioned as to what he is up to at that hour (they think he is younger than he is despite the fact that he is 6'2"), sometimes he is searched, sometimes his details are taken.

He is without fail polite and co-operative, as he should be.

More often than not the police are aggressive in their manner and words.

I understand that being a police officer is often a hard and thankless job, but surely there should be a certain level of people skills required for the job.

When did it become OK for people to neglect basic manners, common courtesy and respect when dealing with those younger than us.

It would make everyone's life just a little bit brighter if we were all a little kinder to one another.

Don't you agree?

Love Jo xxx

Tuesday, 23 October 2012

Side effects


Warning: This post contains details regarding mental health and suicide.
If you are unable to cope with these concepts or would rather not proceed then please don't read on.


The information supplied is from my personal experience and should not replace professional medical advice.
It's a sad fact that the medications used to treat mental illness, as well as most other illnesses I guess but I can't speak from personal experience about those, are riddled with horrible side effects.

Now some people handle medication beautifully, but my observation is that mental illness of any kind generally involves lots of tweaking and experimentation to get to a dosage that is acceptable.

Since I crashed and burned earlier this year I have gone through most of the medications available for Bipolar Disorder.  It turns out that I am particularly sensitive to medication and some of the side-effects are worse than the illness.

I have variously experienced over the last few months nausea, diarrhoea/constipation (TMI I know), dizziness, sleeplessness, grogginess, mania/crushing depression/suicidal tendencies/mixed episodes (a bit of each), rashes, blurred vision, sensitive eyes, sensitive skin, high blood pressure and changes to my liver function tests necessitating a 4 month wait to see a gastroenterologist. 

I have also had fevers, cold like symptoms and my hair is falling out by the handful.  Most worryingly is the crippling joint pain,  all my joints burn and swell, some days it is all I can do to get out of bed.  I feel absolutely exhausted all the time, bone tired.  And then there is the weight gain...I won't even go there!

I should have shares in my local chemist, seemingly every time I see my Psychiatrist there is a new medication, or a new dosage required.  They know me by name.

The blood tests seem endless, tests to see if the medication is at the right level, tests to see what damage it's doing, tests to see why I have been so ill...they think it was my old medication but the symptoms have not subsided after it was changed.

I live in hope that things settle down.  In the meantime I will persevere, continue with medication, doctor visits, therapy, meditation and mindfulness.

It is an exhausting and expensive process, I can only imagine what it is like for people who have lived with this illness for years...


If you are suffering a mental illness or considering suicide,
please talk to someone, your GP, call Lifeline on 13 11 44
or go to your local hospital emergency department.

If you are in physical danger please call 000 (Australia only).


Love Jo xxx

Thursday, 18 October 2012

Stove love

Today is a first world problem, selfish whingy post.  Sorry.

I used to have a stove I loved.  Yes, I loved it.

It was 900mm wide, stainless steel with 6 gas burners.

It was a thing of beauty.  I'm pretty sure it  sold our last house by itself.

No I have a 600mm glass induction cooktop.

I hate it. 

It takes forever for things to heat up, is impossible to simmer anything and only lets you use two medium sized pots/pans at a time.

Today I told my husband that when we move next I would be prepared to live  anywhere as long as I have a great stove again.

Of course I meant I want to live in a NICE house with a great stove...

What type of stove-top do you prefer to cook on?

Love Jo xxx

Wednesday, 17 October 2012

Dumbass...

Picture the scene.

A local coffee shop for lunch.

I regularly eat there, they do a mean veggie quiche, but not every time I go there.



I walk up to the counter and ask if the quiche is vegetarian. You know, whether there is meat in it or not..

Blank look.

She turned to the other lady and asked.

Another blank look.

I suggested they have a look at it and see.

Blank look at each other.

I suggested they lift a slice and see.

With much confusion eventually the piece of quiche was lifted and inspected.  The consensus was that it was vegetarian and would "meet" my needs.

I could see suspicious pink particles in the quiche.

I asked if they were sure.  They said yes. 

I was then stunned to be told that yes, there was bacon in the quiche but it would still meet my vegetarian needs.

I suggested that bacon was, in fact, meat.

Another blank stare...

...I just had a drink.

Love Jo xxx

Tuesday, 16 October 2012

A sad state of affairs


Today I caught up with a group of acquaintances.  A new lady joined the group recently, no one knows much about her but we accepted her as one of the crowd.

Over lunch we were discussing our grocery shopping habits, where to go, where NOT to go and how much we tend to spend.

She is on a single disability pension.  Can’t work, at all.

Living on a farm, she rents a shed to live in, works hard for nothing to supplement the rent.  It’s all she can afford.

She has some dogs, chickens & other birds, loves them.

As the conversation went on she mentioned that her grocery shop is $100 a fortnight, we all exclaimed how lucky she was, assuming that she supplemented her diet with produce from the farm.

She doesn’t.

After the animals have been fed and cared for she often goes without an adequate meal…all day, nearly every day. 

Literally has toast for breakfast and dinner.

She wasn’t looking for sympathy, or a hand-out, probably wouldn’t accept it anyway.

I don’t know what I’m trying to say here, I am just devastated that such a lovely lady is having such a hard time.

It isn’t something I give much thought to with my own day to day struggles, and now I am ashamed.

Jo

Monday, 15 October 2012

Natural gas...


So, on Wednesday I start a six-week Yoga & Meditation course.

Okay, okay…you can stop laughing now.  I am definitely built for comfort not contortions but this course is largely based on stress management and is therefore more slow and gentle on the body.
How it should look...
 
The problem is…and there is no way to be delicate about it, when you are rolling around the floor or stretching out a certain amount of gas wishes to, nay demands to be released.

It’s not like aerobics when the music blasts and you might get away with the odd toot.  The music is low and gentle, and your neighbours are potentially less than a metre from you. 
There is no-where to hide.

Last week I went along to an introductory class and managed to keep my dignity intact, others didn’t.  I managed to contain my giggles even as my eyes watered.

What is it about accidental farting that is funny, even to adults?
This week’s class is longer and more involved, and I am planning on avoiding gas promoting foods from now until then…wish me luck!

Love Jo xxx

Tuesday, 9 October 2012

Customer service, what's that?

I was running late, stressed, lots still to do.  You know, a normal afternoon.



I dropped my son at work and made the fateful decision to not park at the major shopping centre, brave the crowds (I'm not good in a crowd at the moment), and use a major national supermarket.

I drove to a nearby "international" supermarket, proud of it's cost saving labels...you probably know who I mean if you live in the Eastern states of Oz.

The car park was full of people standing around yapping and smoking, not a great start.

After I negotiated my way through the crowd and actually made it into the store I was assaulted by the smell of slightly off veggies (a recurring theme I have found, yes, I have shopped here once or twice before) and higgledy piggely stacks of unknown brands masquerading as known and loved ones.

I dashed around and found some items roughly matching my list and made it to the checkouts.

There was NOT ONE SINGLE operator in sight. No-one.  A tumbleweed went by.  Someone popped up pretending to stack a shelf, studiously avoiding everyone's eyes. 

A woman with several barely controlled children was piling up more groceries than I have ever seen in a trolley onto the counter.  I stood there with my 5 items, correct change and eco bag in hand.  She was also avoiding eye contact.

Eventually the shelf stacker reluctantly started serving the woman, mostly to get rid of the kids I think.  Another operator eventually turned up and took the person from the BACK of the considerable queue to another checkout.

All through this I barely held it together, practising my shiny new mindfulness exercises and swearing to myself I would NEVER shop here again.

People may hate the supermarket duopoly we have in this country but you can count on cleanliness, a choice of products and at least a few staff on duty.

Have you had a similar experience or do you prefer to shop in these establishments?

Ok, ranty pants moment is over, I'm off to Yoga now.

Love Jo xxx

Sunday, 7 October 2012

Mental Health Week 2012


1 in 5 Australians are affected by a mental health condition in some way. 
 
I am.  What about you?

Understanding that mental health issues are a part of everyday life for many of us is necessary to remove the stigma that sufferer’s face.
 
Mental Health Week kicks off today and is all about raising awareness of mental health and wellbeing in the wider community.
This years Queensland theme for Mental Health Week is “Working Toward Wellbeing”.

Exploring the impact that work, paid or unpaid, can have on an individual’s wellbeing and recovery is central to this year’s activities.

So pop along to their website and see what it’s all about!
 
Love Jo xxx

Saturday, 6 October 2012

Most Haunted

 
In my time I have been known to watch possibly more than my fair share of crap on TV.

At our last place we had pay TV, a virtual treasure trove of crap to suit your every need.

My guilty pleasure was the shows featuring psychics or ghost hunters.

You know, you’ve all watched them at some stage.  An odd mix of dodgy characters blundering around “spooky” locations in the dark, scared shitless by the wind and each other, never actually catching anything on film despite the number of badly operated hand held cameras being used except shots up the nostrils of various cast members.

My favourite are the “psychics” who are the most frightened by the unexpected noises and supposed ghosties.  Surely they should see it coming?  And in one infamous show the psychic who would be “possessed” at every.single.location he went to and the only thing that could bring him around was a cuddle and a drink of water.  Oh the hilarity.

There have been a number of parodies produced over the years but the one following is top of the list of my favourites.  It is a bit long but is spot on. Enjoy!
Love Jo xxx


Friday, 5 October 2012

Burgled...


So we have now lived in our “new” place for 6 months. Everything is going smoothly; I love the modern touches, the ensuite, WIR and cupboard under the stairs (pantry).  I am also keen on the fact that almost no maintenance is required and it is easy to clean (lucky, as I have been in hospital for almost half the time we’ve lived here!).

We are in a “nice” part of town, close to the city centre, parks and museums…ideal.
 
Yesterday my husband happened to be speaking to someone who it turns out lived here before us…total fluke.  It turns out that they moved out after the place was burgled…worse than that, someone broke in and cleaned out the downstairs while they slept upstairs, stole their car and used it to transport not only their belongings but also those of the three neighbouring places.

FARK!!!

So now I am even more paranoid about key-locking windows & deadlocks…as if I wasn’t paranoid enough!  I would get the security company to re-activate the alarm but the cats would set off the movement sensors.
 

So my question to you is have you ever been burgled or are you hyper-vigilant about home security?
Love Jo xxx

Thursday, 4 October 2012

Craptastic...

The silly season is almost upon us according to supermarkets and department stores.  Their sense of desperation is palpable, with shelves groaning under seasonal foods, confectionery and decorations galore. 

With this early bombardment a girl's thoughts turn to the gifts yet to be purchased. 

Now I love Christmas as much as anyone, have already toured around the shops looking at the early displays and am planning a trip to Christmas Complete at the Sunshine Coast.

Our family tend to only buy gifts for the kids and send a much appreciated hamper of booze to their grandparents, but if we were to buy presents for all and sundry I would look for the easy options of booze or chockies.

This year as I have more time on my hands I thought I would look at some of the options available for the more difficult people in our lives, you know, the ones we HAVE to buy for but couldn't give a shit about.

In no particular order are my top 5 picks of craptastic gifts with helpful web addresses:


Sudoku toilet paper...enough to give you the shits!
Gentleman's ball scratcher, for the busy executive


Cat's bum towel holder...coz you can never have enough cat tatt


Boxed set of Knight Rider DVD's...would sure leave me speechless!

 
Danielle Steel Perfume, in fact insert any celebrity perfume...Just because you like their music or movies do you really want to smell like them?


...and because I love you all, here is a bonus shared by a dear friend. I am a little worried that this may turn up in my stocking this year!

Complete with a tin of spray-on hair...strange


Have you given, or received,  a craptastic gift of the standard of the fine ones listed here?

Love Jo xxx



Wednesday, 3 October 2012

Hello my lovelies!

Sorry, a fake cheesy grin is all I can manage!
 

I am still here, battling along.  Things seem to be looking up after a few medication changes. 
 
 I guess time will tell!
 
My medical professionals suggest that I go back to activities that I enjoyed pre-illness, even if I don't feel like it.  Kind a "fake it 'til you make it" attitude. 
 
They tell me the enjoyment I used to get out of writing will come back to me eventually and in the meantime I can draw satisfaction from achieving this small activity every day.

So I'm back...see you tomorrow!

Love Jo xxx

Thursday, 6 September 2012

Out of order...


 
Due to circumstances beyond my control I am currently incapable of putting together a coherant blog post (other than this one of course!).
 
Normal service will resume shortly.

Jo xxx

Thursday, 9 August 2012

Would I go back?


Remember the days...


...when 30 was so old you couldn't imagine it?

...when you could dance all night and work all day?




...when you could drink all night and not spend a cent?
     ...when the only dimples you had were on your face?

     ...when you could go bra-less without risk of concussion?


Yep, me too!

Now I am on the wrong side of 40, married with adult kids, carrying a few extra kgs 
and my idea of heaven is a nice cup of tea before an early night.

Would I go back?

No way!

Jo xxx

Monday, 6 August 2012

Stolen

Wow, it's been a while since I posted here!

I would like to say it's because I have been too busy.  

The truth is that I just haven't been able to write since I came home.

I can barely even read.  One of my greatest joys stolen away by my disease.  My concentration and memory are still shot.

But it is coming back, slowly.  I am gathering together a varied list of materials so that I can not only learn about Bipolar, but also how to relax and be mindful.  Lots of reading ahead!

I do cope with life better when I can unload here, but lately the effort has been too great. I am going to try and write every day in the hope it will become easier. 

Until tomorrow

Jo xxx



Tuesday, 10 July 2012

That's not rain...that is freedom!

It weather outside is shit-house.  Fog, rain & wind.  It isn't nice.

Sorry, pic taken from inside through both the screen & the glass, I'm not going out before I have to. I'm not CRAZY!
But I'm going home so I don't care.  I'm out of here.

It's my informed choice this time, and I feel ready.  Last time I "timed out", they don't like you to stay after 35 days as they stop making money from you and the health funds get difficult, hence my release and re-admission a week later - it re-set the payments.  I wasn't ready, just putting on a brave face in the face of not having a choice, on the wrong meds and not well.

I have a long way to go and a lot of work to do I know but I feel positive and happy about it this time.  My medication is pretty close to right and I can see a bit of light at the end of the tunnel, and I checked, it isn't an oncoming train!

So next time we speak I will be at home.  Thank goodness.

Have a lovely day despite the weather!

Jo xxx

Monday, 9 July 2012

Birdies and sirens and firies Oh My!



This morning I was sitting in the courtyard outside my room, diligently practising my mindfulness exercises in a desperate attempt to stop me discharging myself (another story).

Now usually mindfulness is practised somewhere tranquil, you know, a gentle breeze blowing through the leaves, water trickling over rocks, birdies tweeting.  This morning however was somewhat different.

There I was, sitting the the early morning sun, in a place normally so calm.  I started the track - I presently have a terrible memory and the attention span of a gnat so cannot recall or focus on what I'm doing without it- when a fire alarm went off.  I paused the track, patiently waited until it finished, assumed it was a test and when it finished, put it back on. 

Then a light plane flew over, it was tricky but I stayed focused and in the moment.

Then the sounds of sirens in the distance.  I ignored them, they got closer, I tried harder to ignore them, they got louder.

Yes, you've got it.  They were coming here!  So instead of sitting in a serene spot meditating I was in the middle of drama...again.  It all seems to have been a false alarm.

I have chosen to see this as a sign that I really was in the moment and the universe really was making sure of it!  So instead of the second track here I am writing this post, so it can't all be bad.

Hope your day is most excellent!

Jo xxx

Wednesday, 4 July 2012

Still here...

*I found this picture on the internet, attributed to Ikea, no further detail. 
Feels like my life at the moment, a never ending bleakness...I am doing my best to change that!

I'm still here, back in hospital.

Will be a little quiet for a bit while I work on myself.  Medication and doctors can only do so much.

Unfortunately there is no magic pill for mental illness, no quick fix, and I am still coming to grips with the implications for my future.

Hopefully I won't be in hospital as long this time!

Jo xxxx

Monday, 18 June 2012

Untouched


Sometimes a picture you expect to have to delete is just too gorgeous.

This is untouched, save my name being added.

Helps you believe there is someone up there doesn't it?


Jo xxx


Wednesday, 13 June 2012

Selfish

Warning: This post contains details regarding mental health and suicide. 
If you are unable to cope with these concepts or would rather not proceed then please don't read on.





Part 4 of my series on depression & suicide.  Please find Part 1 , Part 2 & Part 3 via these links.

I will admit it. I just didn't understand people who either comitted or even attempted suicide. 

I understood depression well enough, I have suffered it on and off for years.

My automatic thought when learning of someone's suicide was that they were so selfish, nothing was bad enough to justify the mess and pain left behind.  To give up on life, on family & friends, on God was the ultimate act of selfishness.

Then something changed.  My disease morphed into a savage, evil, all-consuming beast.  My depression turned into one so severe that I truly believed that suicide was the ONLY way out.  Thought didn't come into it.  I just wanted to end the pain, the blackness, to stop feeling.

Winston Churchill was right when he coined the name "The Black Dog" to describe his depression.  If it were a real dog you would euthanise it, trust me!

The problem is that it isn't the sufferer who is selfish, it is the disease.  Something I have learnt the hard way.

This bout of depression has been my worst ever, in the past, a month or two, a couple of courses of medication and I was OK.  This is different, has been going on for over 12 months if I am completely honest.  I have been treated since September last year, and this year despite medication, regular GP visits and councelling it spiralled out of control.

This is my second bout of suicidal ideation this year, and by far the worst.  Last time (February), more meds and a change of scene seemed to make a difference.  Afterwards I seemed to be better...until I decided to kill myself.

I have now been in hospital for over a month, am on my third lot of meds, plus anti-anxiety medication and medication to help me sleep, plus pain medication to overcome the effects of the others.  I do not sleep, and whilst I am not suicidal, I'm not particularly interested either way if I live or die.  I am able to say that whilst here in hospital I am safe, and I can handle short periods away from the hospital.

I will still be here for some time, the new medication has not yet kicked in.  But in the meantime I am learning strategies to manage my disease, my warning signs, my triggers, how to handle the outside world.  I am learning to practice mindfulness, to live in the moment, to be grateful for the small things.

I have a brilliant, loving and supportive band of family and friends, everything to live for, but it still frightens me how quickly destructive thoughts can kick in and take over.

I am living day by day, no, make that hour by hour, in the knowledge that my mood can change in an instant and I am not well enough to look after myself yet.

So if you were of the same opinion as me, that those who commit suicide are somehow weak and selfish, the next time you hear that someone has either committed or attempted suicide, try to think again, I know I will!


If you are suffering a mental illness or considering suicide,
please talk to someone, your GP, call Lifeline on 13 11 44
or go to your local hospital emergency department.

If you are in physical danger please call 000 (Australia only).

Jo xxx